you don't understand.
you don't know what i did.
you don't know what i didn't do.

you are the party girl now.
you are the life and afterlife the party.
your the loser everyone goes to just because.
because you can keep people enteretained.
because you listen to cool music.
because you wear rad sunglasses.
but no one knows much deeper.

is there anything deeper?
your not sure anymore.
you know you used to be able to write things that could make the sun cry.
you can make a ADHD child sit still and think for a moment.
but now you've got nothing.

people don't care whats going on behind your sunglasses.
people don't care and neither do you.

lets face it.
i think you stopped changing.
i think you found yourself.
i think this is it, i think it has been all along
but you hate it.
so you tried on different masks hoping you'd find something better.

but your done now.
this is you.
you are a dissapointment.

what will happen?
what will happen when you leave?
what will happen when you grow up?

things are going to change for the better and the worse we know that now.
we know things will never be the same when this school year comes to an end.
lets be realistic.
i'm stuck here and your going off to where ever you please.

you'll have freedom.
i'll be chained.
you'll be smarter.
i'll be wasting away.
you'll be new.
i'll be getting older.


when you leave the hallways will seem empty.
sure there will be other people there but it won't be the same.
i can't imagine coming into first hour and not seeing your face.
all the drama just doesn't seem worth it.

you'll have new friends.
i'll be trying to hang on.
but you'll let go.
i don't blame you i would too.

its funny because i'm begging you to not leave as i grab your knees.
i don't want to let go, i won't let go until i have to.
we've got one more year and we have to make the best of it.
but i'm afraid its going to slip by faster then we planned.

we can't take control.
everyone is falling out of place.
and soon you'll be falling out of this place, more then expected.

i know your excited because your finally done.
but i'm dying because i can't picture you not here.

i think of the goofy pictures we take and instead of living in them, they'll turn into memories.
i think of the late nights we all hung out in my room laughing at the stupidest of things,
shouting out the most absurd words.
all the hugs we shared and we knew everyone really cared.
our hoodies will smell like campfire for weeks.
we dance around like the night will never end and i wish it wouldn't.

this is dedicated to two of my best friends.
KRG & DMP
your initionals look so stupid.
iloveyou.

this has been a complete disaster.
i'm thankful for this mayhem.
if the knots hadn't been untied, I'd still be stuck in that safety net.
i would only know one thing.
maybe thats why i was so scared because during the fall I didn't know what to do.
I thought I was going to die, I was going to die.
When I landed I was overwhemled.
I was the Alice in this disasterland.
I'd stepped into a different world with different rules.
Things move fast here and I was so used to never moving.
I met new people and had new thoughts.
I lost my(your) scrpit and style.
Here I'm free.

Its not that I don't miss you, I defiently do.
but your words put me to sleep, not like a lulllaby.
yoru actions are predictible and overrated.
your like child the way you blame everyone else.
let me know when your yourself again.
this masked routine is getting old.

phone calls are a lie.
ring ring ring.
thats it.
i'll never hear the sound of your voice
or the dial tone after i wait for you to hang up.
the rings are getting angry with me.
they feel intruded by my bad habits.
they can never rest until i do.
they wish i was as hopeless as i appeared.
your ringer must be annoyed wiht me too.
the way it always has to play the same tune day after day, I'm still not giving up on you.
call me hopeful, call me starry eyed, everyone else calls me stupid.
even though after all those trys I can't help but cry.
i know you won't answer.
i know the only trace of you i'll ever have is your heartless voicemail.
so delte the missed calls and earase my messages.
well you at it remove my feelings blue.

i tried so hard to turn on the light in you.
it seemed dim for awhile.
it began to get brighter.
things were fine.
i was fine you were fine, we were all fine.

then you seemed to lose control you were going back to
who you never were, you were going back to being someone else.
someone i can't stand.

i tried to bring you back.
i tried to understand.

then you crossed the line.
you light went out completely.
we are disconnected.
i'm not sure you even know.

i don't understand how you could do that.
i don't understand how you can live with yourself right now.

i'm not sure i'll get over this.

your stabbing me in the back from afar.
but really it has nothing to do with me.

i hate you so much right now.

i hate you.
i hate this.
i hate everything i am.
i hate everything im not.

i can't be what you want.
i can't be who i'm not.

i can't be who i am.
with out losing who I was.

i'm dying to please everyone.
but i can't please anyone.

i tried so hard but you wouldn't even know.
it seems like i've made no effort but i'm trying everything.

maybe one day i'll figure this all out.
maybe i'll find out how to fix things.
maybe i'll figure out how to talk to people.

maybe i won't be so awkard.
maybe i won't be so selfish.
maybe i won't lie.
maybe i won't be scared.

or maybe i'll be the same.

this is a bad low cut horror film on repeat.
though theres nothing too horrifying about it.
well not to the people watching.
but the people in the movie are scared out of their minds.
they're terrified but they have no idea what to actually do.

we're all trapped in this maze and we've been told
somewhere in the center of the maze you can find the answers
to life and how to get out.

we've all been searching high and low.
but no one is even close.

we run into each other and get on each other's nerves.
we're picking sides.
we're breaking up.
we're beating up.


someone has found the door to the center but its locked
and someone else has the key but there on a seperate team.

this is a feeling I can't describe,
when you hear people say that, you usually think there about to talk about love.
but this is so from far it, its more the like the feeling of being unloved.
being removed from a person's life.

i don't want to be alone.
i hate being alone.
even when I want to be alone.
i get so scared.

thats me scared and alone.

do you know what its like, to feel like you don't fit in?
I'm sure you do, its painful.
I mean you can get along with people and everything.
You can have million friends, you can be surrounded by them all but you still feel
alone.

You feel like no one will ever understands a word your saying.
That everyone is just pretending to know,
just pretending to care.

I always feel awkard.
I always feel like people don't want me around.
I never feel settled.
I fear I never will.

every hateful song is written about me.
the song about forgetting someone.
the song about taking things for granted.
the song about using people.
the song about lying to people.
the song about being an attention whore.
the song about not thinking about other people's feelings.

every song.
I ruin things.
I come into people's lives and cause a carcrash.
I keep things running smoothly for awhile and then boom.
I fuck things up.
I seem really laid back and chill
but I'm really not.

I want to take it back.
I want to start over.

as in result of these sleepless nights:

I'm not scared.
Its everyone else who is.
When fear is the only thing that surrounds you it can make life hell.
When theres no one sheading light on the sitituation.
When everyone's smile is dripping with suicide and all your best friends just want to die.
The feeling spreads.
Like a fucking plauge.

I know what its like.
To need someone more then ever and have them just brush you off.
To have a best friend treat you like any other whiney teenager when your looking for help.
To cry yourself to sleep every night because people keep telling you your just overracting.
To think the words "Its going to be okay." are the worst words in history.

So now I want to be there for everyone else.
I want to have eyes that light up when I speak.
I've been told I can make someone smile when theres nothing to smile about
that was one of the best compliments I have ever recieved.

I'm sick of us all being miserble.
I hate waking up thinking oh great now I actually have to face the world.
I want to wake up thinking yes another day to make great memories with my friends.


I love you guys.